The Diaries of Seto Kaiba
by TGyamiBakura
Summary: Kaiba's insecurities, troubles, and randomness all written down in a little book...Full of fun...OOCness on Kaiba's part, but funny OOC. Puppyshipping...umm...Randomness...could turn M later...if i feel like it
1. Prank Calls and Pop Corn Blues

**The Diaries of Seto Kaiba**

**By: TGyamiBakura**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Although...Maybe...I can lock Takahashi-sama up in my closet and force him to hand all rights to YGO to me:scratches goatee:**

**Warnings: OOC-ness on Kaiba's part, but funny OOC. Puppyshipping...umm...Randomness...could turn M later...if i feel like it**

**Ch. 1 Prank Calls and Pop Corn Blues **

My name is Seto Kaiba.

I am 30...no wait...16 years old

I own my own company called Kaiba Corporation...I think I do a damn good job.

I have only a little brother named Mokuba...he sucks sometimes

I still go to school although i have no fucking idea why.

I'm writing in this diary because my school counselor said that it would be more healthier for me to keep a log of all of my thoughts so then when i feel stressed i can remember why and sort it out...it's a load of fucking bull shit. He told me to see a psychiatrist but i told him that if he loved his family that he would discontinue the discussion right there. I know that all the things that I saw in the past were just products of chemical imbalances in my brain and that I DO in fact need to be medicated...but that just cannot happen. So here i am, writing in a diary like a little sissy school girl. Not to mention that i have to show my counselor this every two weeks so he can check up on my stress levels during the days. So here it goes...starting tomorrow of course.

Today sucked as usual. I got up at the usual 5:00 a.m to get my morning work done and get ready for school. It sucked because my hair was all lopsided when i woke up because I've gotten into the sneaky habit of taking showers BEFORE i go to bed instead of after. So that really pissed me off. Because my hair is usually just naturally sexy. I shouldn't have to do anything to make myself appear less...displeasing to the eye.

Went to school and saw the mutt as usual. He was being very stupid and when he's being stupid it makes something in my brain click and tells me to give him a healthy dose of telling him that he's worthless and that he will never amount up to anything. I don't know why I like making him miserable all the time. It could be that I am a sadist, but I'm not as bad as Bakura by any means. That kid used to be so pleasant. But now he's just terrible.

Speaking of Bakura, he was doing the creepy glowing thing with his spectacularly disgusting piece of costume jewelry today again and turned from innocent to evil in 2 seconds flat. He picked on my hair which I worked so hard on combing today. It went something like this:

Bakura: So, lovely morning isn't it Kaiba-kun?

Me: Shut up you psycho. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today.

Bakura: So then other days you are? You shouldn't flatter me like this. Oh my! What happened to you?

Me: ...What? (I started sweating nervously at this)

Bakura: Your hair looks like you got hit in the side of the head with a low flying airplane!

I was quite speechless. Which isn't exactly normal because i usually have very clever comebacks to things like this. I wanted to say something incessantly nasty about his hair, but its just...nature defyingly awesome...i have to admit.

So the first chance i headed to the bathroom to check the damage only to find out that it was perfectly fine. That asshole was just trying to get a rise out of me...which i shamefully admit that he succeeded. I felt very murderous at that moment and decided to take out my anger on Jonouchi. He's always there to help make me feel better about myself...even if it makes him feel like shit.

Which is perfectly fine with me

So i got straight to work. I met up with him at lunch outside I started off by calling him the usual "mutt" or "puppy boy" but then i felt like getting creative, because I'm a creative sexy beast, and said things to him like "Flea bitten Poodle", or "Get fixed you horny pooch boy" I was quite satisfied with the reaction that the puppy gave me. He called me the usual. "Bratty rich boy with a large stick up his ass" but i think when i started poking fun at his un-wealthiness and his worthless father is when he got a bit irate. I have to admit, what i said was sort of low, especially since my father wasn't a walk in the park either. But you know what? Jonouchi has to toughen up. People aren't going to be nice to him all the time.

I thought the daily, "Pick on Jonouchi" routine would make me feel better, but it didn't help all that much. Because Jonouchi seemed really REALLY pissed after that. So i decided to drop it and go to my next class. But then i was further screwed because i realized that I had English with Jonouchi and that he was my seat partner...just my fucking luck ne?

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Please tell me...am I wearing a sign that says: "Please spout your witless banter at me, for I have nothing better to do" sign stuck on my fucking forehead? I thought he would give me the silent treatment or something after the way I treated him earlier. But nooo...here's dog boy, babbling away at Gods know what, and I'm forced to sit here to listen to it...for 80 fucking minutes! Please shoot me now. I can't take this anymore...

I think he maybe talking about..._belly button lint_ or something...eww...

Now he's doing the annoying thing where he points at your fucking face saying non stop "I'm not touching you," I really don't want to go to jail for manslaughter today...

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Okay I've decided that Katsuya Jonouchi equals insane crazy worthless being that eats whatever he finds that appeals to him...whether it was on the floor or not. He started sniffing me and I knocked his lights out. Now I'm in the principals office on the verge of suspension. One because i kicked Jonouchi's unfortunate ass...and two because i wouldn't let them take my laptop away. I threatened a law suit and they just said that it would be easier to talk with the principal. So, being a sensible and reasonable man, i agreed...right after i knocked over their plant...:smirk:

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Well now the counselor has upped my diary reports to every week instead of every two weeks. I don't understand why it's such a big ass deal that I beat up Jonouchi. I mean, it's not like the teachers didn't want to take a swing at him every now and then, he's fucking annoying as hell. Just because I'm brave enough to do it, I get suspended for it. Fuckers. Well at least i can get caught up on work for a couple days. Sigh...I really need a hobby.

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Well this sucks major hell...Kaiba corp had a major power outage and won't be up for a few days. I was able to get all my work caught up and now i have nothing to do. I've never been this bored before in my entire life. I REALLY need a hobby.

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Today i got really pissed off...not the usual pissed off...but ultra pissed off. Apparently Marik and his psychotic friend Bakura prank called me today. It wasn't pretty...

:rinnnnggg:

Me: This is Seto Kaiba...

Bakura:American accent (TG: Whatever it's supposed to sound like to a Japanese person...O.o): Hello, my name is...:snicker: Bob Nickels...

Me: And?

Bakura: I was calling to ask you about my wallet that you stole...

Me: What are you talking about?

Bakura: I was walking to the store today and you fucking stole my wallet!

Me:I'm starting to get annoyed: What in gods' name makes you think that I'm the one who stole your wallet?

Bakura: This _is_ Seto Kaiba right?

Me: Yes...

Bakura: And you have...soft brunette hair...and deep blue eyes :snickers:

Me: ...:sweatdrop: I guess...how do you know my hair is soft?

Bakura: Oh I do...so admit it pretty boy! You stoleded it!

Me:anger mark appears: I didn't steal your goddamn wallet you fucking American trash!

Bakura: Oh you stole it...but...if you really want it that badly, you could always..._do _something for it.

Me:blush: Okay who the fuck is this? I'll have you arrested!

Bakura: Now if you were going to have me arrested why would I tell you who I am?

Me:silence:... I fucking hate you! Who the fuck is this?

(in the background a voice calls for Bakura to get in the shower because he smells like feet)

Bakura:gulp: GODDAMMIT RYOU! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND MASTURBATE IN FUCKING PEACE?

Me: ...

Bakura: Kaiba-kun? About that wallet...

Me: ...

Bakura: Well...I'm just going to hang up now...eh heh heh...

Me: ...I have this new sensation...

Bakura: Sensation?

Me: Yes...a sensation to rip your dick off and then feed it to a walrus...

Bakura:gulp:...eh heh...that's very...umm _creative_...Umm...I meant what i said when i told you that your hair was soft...

Me: Bakura...

Bakura: Hang up now?

Me: Yes please...

Bakura: Right

:click:

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Well...I've discovered a new found love in prank calling the puppy. I realize that this is all Marik's doing but it makes me happier than putting him down in front of his friends. It was really interesting. I decided to be a telemarketer. I didn't expect it to go on that long.

Jonouchi: Hello? Jonouchi residence

Me: (in a lower voice) Hello, My name is Se...Senaki Kajiku, I was wondering if you were interested in an offer just for you.

Jonouchi: An offer just for me?

Me: How would you like...snicker...a lifetime supply of condoms?

Jonouchi: Huh?

Me: Condoms you dumba...I mean Yes, if you take my survey, you can win a lifetime supply of condoms.

Jonouchi: Hmm...I don't know...I've never really used a condom before. I wonder why I would want them...

Me: Well...:snicker:...how about for that special guy?

Jonouchi: Special guy? I don't know about that...I mean...he's not really special...

Me: O.o0 :stifling hysteria:...umm...Tell me about _him_ ...(this is good)

Jonouchi: Well...he's rather cranky all the time...and i don't think he's really that into relationships...especially one with a guy...

Me: Oh I'm sure he is...he's probably just hiding his feelings...

Jonouchi: You think so? Kai...I mean...this guy is really hard to get along with...I mean... I don't think anyone's ever gotten along with him...except maybe his brother...

Me: Seems as if this guy is very closed off, afraid to express his feelings, maybe in fear of getting hurt. Can you tell me his name?

Jonouchi: Nah I can't do that...you might know him...in fact, there's a very big chance that you might know him...

Me: Oh come on, I won't tell, I promise...

Jonouchi: Umm...Okay then...his name is...Set...Oh shit! My popcorn! GYAH ITS TAKING OVER THE HOUSE! OMFG! AHHHHHGHHH...:muffle muffle:

Me: Jonouchi? What's going on over there?

Jonouchi:murghf: ATTACK OF THE POPCORN! GOD SAVE OUR SOULS AHHHHh :click:

Me: O.o0 ...umm...

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I decided to take a break from prank calling for a while. Although it kills me to know that Jonouchi likes a guy and I don't know who it is. It's definitely not a feeling of jealousy, but it's annoying that he's got dreams. Dreams that I can't even crush. Dammit now I'm pissed off...I'm getting some ice cream...

**End Ch. 1**

**Okay. First Diary fic. How is it? More fun in the next chapter. Kaiba's issues just keep worsening and worsening. Oh and sorry if i haven't been updating my stories...AT ALL...but I have yet to decide on a mainstream story...and I have been trying to finish Not for The Fandom Ch. 3 but it's going rather slowly... R&R PLEASE Must. Have. Reviews...LOVE TO ALL YAOI FANS! BURN ANZU W00T!**


	2. Nasty Fangirls of DOOM

**The Diaries of Seto Kaiba**

**By: TGyamiBakura**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Because if i did, Kaiba would be naked...ALL THE TIME :does sexy nekkid CEO booty dance:**

**Warnings: OOC-ness on Kaiba's part, but funny OOC. Puppyshipping...umm...Randomness...could turn M later...if i feel like it**

**Ch. 2 Nasty Fangirls of DOOM**

**Thanks all for the reviews, I'm glad that my story wasn't suck-tastic like they all usually end up. I think that this story might be my mainstream because I love messing with Kaiba's life...if it was a sport I'd be the number one fan. But yeahhh...I'm not quite sure where this chapter is headed but let's all just hope for the best ne**?

Ch. 2

Well I just got my diary...:ahem:...journal back from my counselor. Yes this is a journal. Theres no need for me to feel even more girly than I already am. I mean, what kind of manly man wears lilac scented perfume? You know what? I LIKE lilac scented perfume! Yes. I, Seto Kaiba, wear women's perfume. I can't stand the smell of man cologne. Nope, flowers for me all the way.

I've been noticing lately that Mokuba is acting strangely. I keep finding him sneaking out of the house late at night. It's not like I care that he's out late. He's a tough kid. One time I found him threatening some thugs in an alleyway with a knife. I can't help but wonder how my little brother got so murderous but it's a bit unnerving...Even _I_ sometimes worry about getting on his bad side...:shivers: . Aside from that, I don't see why he feels the need to sneak out. I wonder what he's doing behind my back. I guess I'll just have to put that on my list of "Things to secretly obsess over". Don't look at me like that. I get bored too at times you know. I'm not boring all the time...well maybe I am but that's besides the point.

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Okay, I am officially afraid of this school now. For some reason when I was walking into the building, the girls were staring at me more fervently than usual. It was like they were stalking me. Every time i turned around there was a large group of them standing at least 5 ft away from me. Finally by the end of third period i couldn't take it anymore. As I approached them I noticed that they were all wearing bright pink buttons that said "I love Seto Kaiba" I thought that this was a joke and then i asked one of them what the fuck was going on...because i wanted to know what the fuck was going on, and she said that they all had started a fanclub for me.

I thought it was some sort of humorous joke but then after home economics class they were all sporting shirts that said "Kaiba's the Man" That's when I started getting annoyed. They had a booth for signing up to be in the fanclub (for girls only of course). And you know what else? They had photographs of me! _Photographs_! It was only right after i noticed the somehow manufactured merchandise that they all had that I told them all to get a fucking life and go stalk some tree or something because I had a good mind to sue. You don't even want to know how I was when they started asking for autographs. I mean...I've been in this school for years! What's with the sudden fascination?

After that I felt stressed so i went off to go do my favorite past-time, harassing Jonouchi. After i did that, feeling a bit better, I'm here under this tree hiding from the lurking fangirls of doom. I don't think I can take much more of this---

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Great...just great, I'll bet you can't guess what happened to me? As of now I'm sitting in a dark closed off room with Bakura and Jonouchi, why, you ask? Because the freakish albino had to go and ruin everything for his own amusement again! Well As you know i was sitting under the tree writing in my di...journal when all of a sudden that idiot Bakura came along and shouted at the top of his stupid lungs "HEY THERE KAIBA-CHAN! HOW'S THAT WRITING COMING ALONG?" I nearly chopped his head off. All of the sudden the crazed females accumulated and started chasing us at top speed. Jonouchi being the idiot he is started running alongside us, wondering what was going on. I told him he was done for as well if he didn't run faster. And somehow after a while of chasing, we ended up here. And now were locked in. I don't have my cell or my lap top or any sort of contact. All i have is this journal and to blundering idiots to keep me company. Not that i want it.

Pfsh...now they're wanting me to tell them what I'm writing about. I told them that it's none of their business...but Bakura...is somehow a genius and figured out that I'm writing in a diary. Of course I lied but he's now dancing and mocking me about having a diary. Just wonderful, Jonouchi seems to be amused...I really want to go punch Bakura's face in...excuse me, I must go punch Bakura's face in...

Ahh that felt better. Bakura's laying on the floor, probably unconscious and Jonouchi is looking worriedly at him. I think I'm going to stop writing right now and tell you about this after were out...if we ever do get out, that is.

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Ahh..well i think I'll just tell you about it in story format. It's much easier that way...because I'm a lazy, sexy beast.

Bakura stirred. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times. "Wh...Where am I?"

"Ryou, is it the real you now?" asked the mutt. Ryou nodded.

"Yes...but I'm rather confused...and my face hurts," i chuckle and Jonouchi looks angrily at me.

"Well Kaiba punched your other half in the face because he was being a jackass..."

"Like always..." Jonouchi nodded.

"Right. And Kaiba was being chased by fangirls and now were locked in here." Ryou hugged his arms.

"It's sort of chilly in here don't you think?" Jonouchi looked concerned. He went over to Ryou and scooted closer to him, attempting to share his body heat. Ryou blushed at the action but welcomed it. I rolled my eyes. This was so not happening.

"Oh please, can you go be faggish somewhere else? I'm trying to think," Ryou smiled...a somewhat, mischievoussmile.

"What's the matter Kaiba-kun? It must be awful cold over there..." Ryou scooted closer to Jonouchi, the mutt not even taking a second glance at what was happening here. I shot my best glare in Ryou's direction. I had the distinct feeling that he was trying to make me jealous, but he wasn't doing anything because, I would never EVER be jealous of someone else touching my puppy...I mean my Jonouchi...I mean! GRR NOT MINE and i don't care. I looked off coldly at the wall, trying not to listen to their conversation...but that was becoming a more and more difficult task.

"Jonouchi, it's sort of nice being able to spend time together like this..." Hmph, a bit forward Ryou? He's never going to go for that.

"Heh, yeah, it's sort of nice. You always seem so closed off." Ryou blushed timidly.

"Actually...i want to talk to you more but it's difficult with other people around you know? You happen to be the easiest for me to talk to," Jonouchi smiled...Kaiba gagged. But he could have sworn that he saw an evil smirk shoot his way...but that was impossible for the innocent teen...was it not? Jonouchi seemed to be getting ever closer to the silver-haired boy. He wasn't actually _falling_ for this load of shit was he? Jonouchi wasn't _that _easy...

"Ryou..." Oh my god...he did not just fucking blush. He's blushing. HE'S BLUSHING! What the fucking hell? "You know...maybe later we can..." I stood up and hit the wall...not wanting to hear the rest.

"Oh enough of the rainbow filled mellow dramatics! This is too much for me to take! My head is splitting and you two are fucking reeking of "I'm gay for you". This shit is stopping right now. I'm getting us out of here..." Jonouchi stood up and went over to me. I smelled the sweet smell of chestnuts and honey fill my senses, attempting to calm my nerves.

"How are you planning on getting out of here, Mr. I know Everything?"

"Kick" Jonouchi looked puzzled.

"Kick? What the fuck does that mean?" I pushed him out of the way and swung my foot at the door as fast and as hard as I could but by the time it reached contact, the door flung open by itself, causing me to loose my balance and...inevitably falling to the ground. "Kaiba!" I hit my head on the floor and things were blurry. I saw Jonouchi's distorted face...but i felt concern coming from his gaze. It felt sort of nice...I didn't realize it but i was quickly becoming a fan of Jonouchi's sweet scent. It made me light headed and calm and i guess i dozed off.

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I woke up in a hospital bed. I squinted my eyes as they were greeted with the brightness of the white room. I wondered how long I had been out for. I looked around and noticed a large pile of candy flowers and balloons, no doubt from the crazed fangirls. What caught my attention was a single yellow daisy on top of my night stand it had a card next to it. I sighed and leaned back into the pillows. I wondered where my diary was but then i noticed it on the edge of the bed. As i read through my diary, rising fears that someone had read it started popping into my head. Now I was probably the laughing stock of the entire city. Just wonderful. I slowly got up, careful not to pull my IV, and went to the nightstand where the flower was. The note on the flower said:

Dear Kaiba,

I'm sorry for the way things went down. After you passed out, Bakura went freaky again and tried to read your book, I took it from him and told him it was none of his business. Just to let you know, i didn't read it either, nobody has. So Just get well soon, I don't like it when you're sick, It's not as much fun as when you're picking on me.

Jonouchi

"Jonouchi you idiot..." I couldn't help but smile a bit. Feeling relieved. I crawled back into bed and thought once again about how long it's been. I couldn't help but wonder what Jonouchi was doing at this moment. If he and Ryou would ever get together...(TG: just to let you know, jou/Ryou is not a favorite pairing of mine...it's just convenient for this story)...I couldn't help but really feel a twinge of bitterness towards Ryou for that. It was hard to explain but it just didn't seem right. I thought that for sure Jonouchi would have wanted to find out my secrets...because I'm a mysterious sexy beast. Because it would be good for blackmail. Hey for all I know, he's lying and really did look in my diary..ahem...journal. But it sounds empty, i can't believe for some reason that he did something like that. Jonouchi does not like to hurt others.

Another thing that made me think was the fact that Jonouchi _likes _it when i pick on him. Now what am I going to do to make him miserable? Do i even _want _to make him miserable anymore?

...Heh...of course I do

But maybe not to the extreme anymore...GYAH what is wrong with me? I can't stop thinking about him...it's so weird now...it's not like I _like _him right? RIGHT? Maybe I'll just sleep...yes...sleep makes everything better...

end Ch. 2

**Well there it is...i think i could have done better...but whatever right? It's not like I'm getting paid to do this lol..XD But you know...If _I _was a fangirl :snicker: I would make a button that says "I love Seto Kaiba" and wear a shirt that says "Kaiba's the man" But that's just me...I utterly pray for reviews...because I don't know if i have the will to go on...So much writing...and i did this all in one night...and i have no beta for this one...but it's alright. You'll tell me if it sucks right?**


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